Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   TIP: A quick way to get your kids out of bed is to go in their room and shout, "What the Heck?!! There are deer in our backyard!! "

   This morning's poke war just serves to reaffirm my belief that I am too pretty for prison.

   when a husband brings his wife flowers for no reason...theres a reason!!!

   You know 'yer a DRUNK when: You have to go to court to find out what happened !

   If you have eatin monkey brains right out of the skull, please brag about it

   My mixer killed my kettle. The pot is furious. The kettle might have been wearing a hooodie....I think it had some skittles.

   Snooki is going to give birth to a giant Nutter Butter.

   Remember ... at 8:30 tonite .. it will be Earth Hour so please turn off all of your electrical devices at 8:30 pm... Heck . with all of that power being conserved at 8:30 ... It'll be the opportune time to power up my new 1.21 gigawatt Flux Capacitor!!!

   I can't quote it verbatim,, but the mimes have a saying that goes something like this:

   You're supposed to wash arugula before throwing it away,, right?

   I'm pretty sure Subway sandwiches increase in value after the sandwich artist dies.

   I never win at Scrable

   Me??? Oh, just replanting these carrots and onions... We're catch-and-release vegetarians.

   If werewolves lived on the moon, would they be werewolves 24/7

   Turned on all the lights, fired up the wood stove and heater, flushed the toilets and ran the water excessively. Did my part for Earth Day.

   I am taking a shot for every "like" I get on this status. Then again, I'm taking shots whether you bastards like it or not.

   good joke today...single people change ur realtionship status to "in a relation". when friends ask who it is say "april....April Fools"

   Why would I want to bore you with silence, when I can annoy you with small talk?

   I don't hate you. I just hope your next period happens in a shark tank! (".)

   Ghetto Word Of The Day: COLOGNE. Usage: "You think you cologne me a dollar?"