Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Micro chips in dogs and cats ..why aren't Humans doing this..?

   The customer asked the clerk, "Do you have anything that makes me look thinner?" "How about a week in Somalia?"

   You are by far my smartest and best looking friend on Facebook.

   Well Skittles Stock just took a plunge, again!!

   But in other news.... Etchy Sketches Stocks Went up ever since Romney's spokesman said He'll have to go back to the drawing board.

   gas gas gas gas gas gas gas gas gas gas gas STOP and now drop these motha$&@?!/ prices down!

   I feel a sin coming on!

   Where the hell is easy street?

   I could do so much more if I only had minions.

   I'm not crazy, my reality is just prettier than yours

   I didn't sell my soul to the devil….we worked out a rent-to-own deal.

   has anyone seen Steven Tyler lately?...that dude really does look like a lady

   Going out on a date with Octomom tonight… Just in case…wearing socks under 3 pairs of condoms…

   Looking For a Truly Romantic & Meaningful Overnight Relationship, please pm my inbox for details...... Midgets, Casey Anthony and Octomom - Don't Bother applying!

   I go to the gym to play my favorite game called "I spy a sexy cameltoe" its so fu#king sexy.

   To all those people with big trucks and SUV'S who laughed at me because I bought a hybrid......i see you getting gas all the time

   I have just hired 2 private investigators to follow each other Let the games begin.

   And to save enough money on gas to make up the extra cost of buying the hybrid, you'll be gassing up for the next 13 years. And the SUV's will still be laughing, Just longer and louder.

   just had the new Doritos taco........, but I still don't get the ad where they drive 900 miles to buy one. Why not just buy a bag of Doritos and pour yard waste in it?

   I liked you better before we met.