Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I get old and my friends start dying off, I'll probably go the funerals; stand over the caskets and whisper "you should have forwarded that e-mail to 12 friends..."

   Saw a real ugly-faced, pimpled girl buying a rape whistle today. You gotta admire her optimism!

   Ba careful darling, you've got something on your ass… my eyes.

   The memories of all the naughty things I've done in my lifetime will always bring a smile to my face.

   I don't know alot about history,,, but I know Marco Polo was definitely the most annoying swimmer of all the famous explorers.

   Their truck said "on site drug screening"..... those A$$holes wouldn't let me screen a single drug..

   Tiger Woods's win last weekend is a great reminder that sex addiction only affects your golf game for 923 days.

   Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the coffee and went straight for the booze?

   I think Hotel California was written about Facebook.

   Just received a text from my wife saying, "You're a childish prick sometimes." I was so annoyed. I thought I'd hidden her phone really well this time. :(

   What's the name of that Eminem song where he's all mad and sh!t?

   Facebook retains ownership of everything you post, so I uploaded my debt and my kids.

   THINGS THAT ARE DAMN HARD TO FIND: 1. A phone on silent 2. Fat girl's clitoris 3. True love

   I'm pretty sure that if I get married, the only place I'll bother registering is the liquor store.

   A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks that I should leave work early today and get hammered.

   I got fired from my job as a bingo caller... apparently "A meal for two with a terrible view" was a pathetic way to announce the number 69.

   Someone told me to get over myself so I did a backflip, but then I just landed in more AWESOME!

   I'm laying on my yoga mat making up fake poses to fit my current activity level. Right now I'm in "downward facing chalk outline."

   3.67 billion Women in the world and I just had to make my own sandwich! :((

   After a night of heavy drinkin' there's one thing I can't stand... and that's up.