Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When Tim Tebow heard about Peyton Manning coming to Denver he threw a fit. Unfortunately He missed his intended target by ten yards.

   At night I dump massive amounts of Legos on the floor in case anyone tries to rob my house bare footed.

   All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now

   The older you get, the harder it gets to find someone willing to share a horse costume with you.

   My bracket is destroyed. I had Inga, Bjorn, and Johan in my Swede 16.

   If you don't think anyone loves you or cares about you, gimme me a call...I'll confirm that for you.

   Hey friends..... if I really wanted to "Branch Out"...... I would drink a Jagerbomb with a Miracle Grow chaser!

   I think I'm a good judge of people...that's why I don't like none of 'em.

   My chemistry teacher asked us what the heaviest metal was today. Apparently "Megadeath" was the wrong answer.

   you can buy shoes, cloths, etc.. but you can't put a price tag on respect

   some people just gotta have that daily dose of drama

   if you invest in a good industrial grade cheese grater, you can save a ton of money on pedicures.

   You are about as much use as an ashtray on a motorcycle.

   Michael Bay is changing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles into aliens?! Doesnt that make them Teenage Alien Intergalactic Ninja Turtles, then? (TAINT)

   Im gonna get a bloodhound just so I know when to stay away from home once a month.

   A blind man at a nudist colony is having more fun than me right now.

   You guys are tearing up Tebow more than his Priest!

   Hard to believe I once had a phone ATTACHED TO A WALL. When it rang I'd pick it up WITHOUT KNOWING WHO WAS CALLING. Amazing I'm still alive.

   Doctors say that one piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life? Well then by MY calculations,, I died in 1853

   How is it when you're in kindergarten you don't want to take a nap, but in all the schools above elementary you would kill for one?