KISSTOPHER Funny Status Messages

   Women are not complicated at all, except when they expect us to read between the lines.

   WTF! I was about to drink my vodka but it started screaming so I stopped and asked "what's wrong?", it said "you forgot to post a pic of me on your Facebook wall" and slapped me!

   That moment when you're going to stalk someone and you end up stalking 5 more people because you need to understand the whole conversation.

   Yes, I will judge you by how you treat other people even if you're sweet as pie to me. Be kind or go to hell.

   If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell haven't had enough vodka. Here is another glass.

   A woman is never more persuasive than when she's holding a shotgun or a bacon sandwich.

   I wish I loved anything as much as Donald Trump loves to be relevant.

   I bet there is nothing a hug from a panda can't fix.

   I'm just being myself. Who the hell are you being?

   Ladies, no one wants to motorboat your rib cage. Eat a sandwich.

   If it doesn't add value, subtract that shi t.

   Every guy has a soft sensitive side. It's called “I need to get laid and I'll say and do anything to make it happen”

   If these walls could talk, there would just be one more thing in this house that doesn't answer me when I speak.

   Last night I sprayed under my kitchen sink for roaches with this cheap Chinese-made insect killer. Not only did it leave them alive, they kept me up all night talking.

   My wife just cleaned out her purse. So, she'll be having a garage sale later this week.

   A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette and exploded. What in the hell do they put in butterflies?

   Writing your girl a love poem is a little less special when she helps you spell some of the words.

   People hate the truth. Luckily, the truth doesn't care.

   Woke up again today. When will it stop?

   If you've never lost your significant other, you've failed as a sock.