Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Did you ever pee in the toilet as a kid and try to make the top of the water completely full of bubbles? I just filled the whole waterline with bubbles.....don't be hatin!

   There's only 2 addresses I ever remember, my own house, and P Sherman 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney.

   Our national drug is alcohol. We tend to regard the use any other drug with special horror

   Alcoholics are Gods rodeo clowns.

   Accidentally sprayed cologne in me eye. As long as my eye smells good..

   Shut up sl$t, my showers last longer than your relationships.

   Found out today your supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at waffle house... just trying to help

   Doctors say that one piece of bacon takes 7 minutes off of your life. That has to be most delicious form of suicide.

   Irony: Getting a girl pregnant on a "pull out" couch.

   You can pretend you're in an episode of The Walking Dead by skipping coffee for a few days.

   There has to be an online course that I can take to get over my internet addiction.

   Probably the worst part about growing up in a tipi is not understanding knock knock jokes.

   People are so ungrateful. No one ever thanks me for having the patience not to kill them.

   How has sound technology come so far & yet the McDonalds drive-thru still sounds like someone is farting into a walkie-talkie.

   If gas prices keep going up I'm cutting off the bottom of my car and I'm "Flintstoning" That mf!

   No matter where you live, there's always 1 light switch that doesn't do anything.

   You know you took a good picture of someone when they use it as their default pic or timeline cover.

   it's lonely at the bottom too.

   On the Tim Hortons roll up, "please play again" ..I scribbled it out and returned it to the manager, replacing it with "please let me win" she gave me back my cup and hit the red button.."YOU'RE A WINNER" then she said "NOT!" and laughed at me!

   ┣▇f͟͞a͟͞c͟͞e͟͞b͟͞o͟͞o͟͞k͟͞▇▇═─™ This drug is very efficient for cases of chronic boredom. Extra doses can lead to addiction