Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ladies: If your guy gives you his jacket when you are cold, he expects you to give him sex when he's horny.

   If you watched a movie of my life backwards it'd be about a guy who refills vodka bottles and puts them back on the self.

   For me, the sexiest part of a woman is her mind coz that's where she decides if she's going to have sex with you or not.

   Whenever I see fire truck rushing somewhere in the rain, I'm confused as to how the sky didn't already do the job.

   I shaved my chest hair into a Superman "S". Ironically, I feel completely powerless and will probably endure a humiliating beatdown

   If you don't drink, you're boring and all your stories end the same way with, “and then I got home and went to sleep.”

   I've found the ultimate troll. Not only did he steal my status, but he corrected my punctuation.

   If a girl doesn't squeeze toothpaste from the bottom up, never ask her for a handjob.

   I consider anyone who doesn't like bacon a terrorist.

   Playing the villain is so much more fun than kissing ass.

   No matter how cool you think you are... you still came out of a vajay so step off.

   If absence really makes the heart grow fonder, then the boss is going to *love* my new 2-day work weeks.

   Instead of sending me this annoying 21 Questions App invite, why dont you just inbox me your 21 questions and I will answer right away?

   If you postin' 'bout Kony I feel bad for you son, He snatched 99 kids and your status saved none.

   I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don't think they're ugly or something.

   Instead of laughing my ass off, I'm going to start laughing my stomach off. I'd rather lose that.

   $9.99 sounds fair enough coz $10 is an outrageous amount of money.

   My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with 'Star Wars'. I said: "May divorce be with you."

   A woman never shot a man while he was doing dishes.

   Golf got its name because all of the other four letter words were taken.