Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What has 15 legs and 9 teeth? The checkout line at Walmart.

   When I see your face, there's not a thing I would change .... except the direction I'm walking in.

   I hate when I throw my phone onto my bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, knock over a lamp, and kill a cat.

   Wow!!! I farted into my iPhone and Siri told me what I had for breakfast.

   I'm going to bed after a hard day of converting oxygen to carbon dioxide.

   Relationship Killers : Insecurity, trust issues, Facebook, Twitter, jealousy, lack of communication, assumptions

   Hates it when all the voices in my head say "Gesundheit" at the same time after I sneeze..

   I don't hate you, I'm just not necessarily excited about your existence.

   The Man With The Yellow Hat is going to scold Curious George once too often and then be known as The Man With The Yellow Hat And No Face.

   "if you haven't gotten laid using facebook, you're doing it wrong" - 90% of facebook users

   I've definitely got an LOL addiction. I can't stop texting, typing, even saying it sometimes...I need help. LOL

   "I've been seeing someone else, but you probably haven't heard of him." - how hipster chicks admit cheating

   Sometimes I call the cops on myself so the neighbors think I'm having a kick-ass party! ツ

   TGIF....this gas is free (neighbor doesnt use locking gas cap

   Sometimes when I have my friends over I call the cops on myself so the neighbors think I'm having a kick-ass party!

   I only have affairs with Librarians. They know how to keep things quiet

   The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.

   What does a woman's arse and mouth have in common? Both are fun to put a c*ck in but nothing but sh*t comes out of them both

   I like my women like I like my toaster, with two big warm holes and doesn't leave the kitchen !!

   What do you call that useless skin around the v*gina? A woman.