Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Text REDCROSS to 90999 to help the tornado victims. (This is a status we all should put up today to help these poor people)

   I just took a crap in a public bathroom so quickly & silently that a ninja dropped through the ceiling & high fived me.

   Nothing says I can't pull out like a mini van.

   New Kids On The Block & Backstreet Boys joining forces in refusing to be forgotten and languish in the dustbin of history.

   Last night I was trying to get this hot girl at the bar jealous. I was slow dancing & making out with a potted plant. It was working, she was staring at me

   You ever get so coked up you dislocate both your shoulders dancing to "Pump Up the Jam"...Oh, me either.

   I feel bad for those inner city kids that are too fat to dance their way out of the hood

   Last night my dog said to me, "I think you're smoking too much Marijuana"

   My wife was shocked when she found out I switched her vibrator with a taser.

   News Reporter: "So what inspired you to work with Chris Brown?" Rihanna: "Beats me..."

   What is it about waking up that babies find so traumatic?

   Some people bring out the worst in you, others bring out the best, and then there are those remarkably rare, addictive ones who just bring out the most. Of everything. They make you feel so alive that you'd follow them straight into hell, to get the fix

   The only good part about reuniting with an ex is that having sex with them doesn't change the number of people you've slept with.

   If the government is gonna focus on cloning, they need to be cloning 1970 gas prices. If the government is gonna focus on cloning, they need to be cloning 1970 gas prices

   Hungry or Horny? Either way, satisfy your appetite!

   Attention, guys wearing "skinny Jeans", you took the phrase "getting into her pants" the wrong way

   dyslexic people are weird. they pray to a dog

   will be sponsoring a 0.25 mile fun run to raise awareness for people that I wish would just GO AWAY! I'm calling it the Kardashian Dash!

   This chick I met last week says she wants a guy who is 'funny and spontaneous', yet when I tap on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it's all panic and screaming.

   Put blue Gatorade in a empty bottle of Windex and walk around the street squirting it into your mouth! Fun times.