Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why should I bother staying informed about political issues when nobody running for office does?

   I listen to nothing more closely than the muffled conversation happening after someone has accidentally butt dialed me.

   I'm fluent in three languages: English, Sarcasm, and Profanity. 

   They should just block cell phone service in movie theaters. Problem solved.

   How to scare burglars off. First, put pictures on the wall of you with a tiger. Second, put a cat litter box in your hall and sh$t in it.

   How do you know Asians robbed your house? Your cat's gone, your homework's done, and they're still backing out of the driveway.

   If you play "the next song that plays on shuffle is our song" game with me, you better be okay with "Batdance".

   Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? I still have to get up and take the disc out. It's like having a remote to open the fridge

   Weird to think we're just fifteen years away from Snooki being a grandmother.

   And then one day she realized she could never love a man who could name more than 2 Kardashians.

   My Mama is gonna be pissed when she realizes how much drama I have saved for her.

   Snooki's pregnant...? Finding the father is gonna be harder than finding Waldo, but I bet Waldo fuck$d her too anyway.

   What I hate most about Twitter: Is finishing a good tweet, having -1 characters left, and then having to decide which grammar crime to commi

   My Ex texted me: "I Miss You..." So I replied: "We're sorry, the subscriber you are trying to reach doesn't give a f***.......

   Hey Kermit, there aren't that many songs about rainbows.

   It would be fun to replace every EXIT sign in the world with ones that said ESCAPE. Also, they should flicker ominously

   Weird to think we're just fifteen years away from Snooki being a grandmother

   My Mama is gonna be so mad when she realizes how much drama I have saved for her.

   Everyone's blessed with an abundance of something. Money, talent, women, friends, family, etc....In my case, it's belly fat.

   Question for Flinnie and Suthernf**er...Are either of you two capable of an original thought?