Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The best tasting thing at Whole Foods is not nearly as good as the worst tasting thing at Dunkin' Donuts.

   I miss being the age when I thought I would have my sh!t together by the age I am now.

   My little girl is an adult now! Happy 18th Birthday Justin Bieber. :)

   That little girl has already made more money than all of us and banged hotter chicks. good on her

   Voice text to boss ..i wont be in tomorrow in bed with nasty cold.. What he gets .. I wont be in tomorrow in bed with sexy clown..thanx Android..!!

   Herpes is just a contagious pimple. It's not like other stds, like kids or something.

   No Xvideos, I would not like to share this video with friends and family on Facebook.

   I fart, why..because it's the only gas I can afford.

   Normal person flirting: "Hey, you're really cute".....Me:"Your face, I like that shxT!"

   I don't mind people sneezing in public. It's that "Pre-sneeze face" they make that scares the hell out of me.

   ♫ SHOUT…SHOUT, type it all out! These are the things I can blog about. So log on… I'm linking to you… Log on. ♫ (

   Two beer or not two beer--Shakesbeer

   Snooki pregnant?! that baby is gonna come out with a vodka bottle in one hand and a self tanning spray bottle in the other! my advice : cut the cord and run lil dude! RUN!!

   Folger's lied... There is no "best part of waking up", no matter what you put in my cup!

   Snookie pregnant? Congrats to the NY Jets. In other news, the Mayans may be right ...

   Sometimes I just want to tell someone "You should play catch with lawn darts."

   The world is a stage. I failed the audition. Now I sit in the audience, and they call me a cynic.

   Snooki plans to have a baby!.......... WHAT?? What did you say Kanye? "Beyonce's own was better!!!"

   Time for naughty dreams! Hope to see a few of you there.

   Teachers are a bad influence on our kids. For one thing, some of them are nearly 40 and still in the third grade.