Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mondays are like sandpaper for the soul.

   People throw around the word "hero" too much. Use it for what it's for: a millionaire actor playing a disabled person.

   I predict you'll be seeing a lot more people using pogo sticks, thanks to these gas prices

   Sometimes, karma is just too busy with other injustices in the world and that's where revenge comes in.

   1990's - Last Generation With Common Sense.

   The worst part about eating with vegetarians is everything.

   It takes 17 muscles to smile, 43 to frown and 0 to not give a damn.

   Cashier: Sir, this is the 5th movie ticket you have bought tonight. Customer: Well yeah, the a$$hole at the entrance keeps ripping it.

   that girl will take a wiener to the grill like a hot dog stand

   You are so ugly...as a kid, pedophiles used to give you candy to get out of the van.

   Brownies cure frownies, this statement has not been evaluated by the FDA

   My dramatic exit was ruined when I forgot my phone.

   I'm making a deal with Nicholas Cage that I'll see his movie but only after he really sets his face on fire.

   Best Film went to a silent movie made by Frenchmen and Best Foreign film went to Iran. 2 sure signs the world is ending soon.

   Maybe it's the beer talking but I really love beer.

   Alcohol preserves everything except secrets.

   The extra muscles it takes to smile after losing an Oscar is such a workout it keeps the actors thin for the whole next year!

   I hope Floyd Mayweather wins the best actor Oscar for his portrayal of a boxer wanting to fight Manny Pacquiao.

   I love a woman in heels. But please don't wear a bunch of Bangles too. You just sound like an angry Samurai chasing me on a horse.

   On a scale from 1 to Adele, how tough was your breakup?