Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Social media - keeping people away from each other since 2006.

   The more you know, the less you need to say.

   Whenever I delete an app on my iPhone, the shaking icons make me feel like they're panicking over who's next to go.

   I want whatever drugs make sign twirlers tolerate their jobs for more than 9 seconds.

   Trying to get into a relationship had turned me into a B-grade male version of Adele.

   if you ask me my sign so you can see if we're compatible or not, I'll save you the suspense... we're not.

   Handles on a matress come in really handy, not only to flip your matress. big smile

   was just asked by his mum to stop saying "I'm hungry" and to find something new to say fo once. So I said "OK...I'm horny for food!"

   I only take half a vitamin because I haven't decided if I wanna live forever.

   So I gave up bungee jumping for lent for the 6th year in a row. I've never gone... but I think I'd like to at some point in my life. Just can't do it right now. True story...

   funny how the smell of a fart can remind you of the meals you've consumed for the day

   Beer is now cheaper than GAS! Drink don't Drive...

   No, I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would be really mad if she heard me say that....

   My favorite way to piss a girl off is to keep accidentally calling her Nicole.

   "I could go for some yogurt!" - no man ever

   Does it still count as a hit and run if I hit a Ford Fiesta?

   If you guys ever visit NASA don't go on the Sally Ride.

   Something is definitely up at this police station, the cops are f$cking everywhere.

   "Heads, shoulders, knees and toes..." - Jeffrey Dahmer's grocery list

   stomach making weird noises... must be making poop