Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   new rule: For every post you don't like, you must post a better one..

   Hints that someone is not enjoying your company. . 1. I keep backing away from you. 2. No eye contact. 3. Keep checking my phone. 4. I'm trying real hard to spontaneously combust.

   I am the guy she asks to feel her legs after shaving.

   Sometimes when I am bored I like to park on the side of the freeway and stick a blow dryer out the window and watch the cars slam on their brakes.

   I haven't been laid in such a long time that my virginity is beginning to grow back.

   I don't wear a watch. I DECIDE what time it is.

   Arousal is a miracle… Don't try to hide it. It's an unsolicited endorsement, a standing ovation, a spontaneous demonstration. ~Playboy

   That uneasy moment when you realize the garbage goes out more than you.

   A snake bit me today and my neighbour's wife was kind enough to suck the venom out. Or at least that's what I told my wife when she walked in on us.

   remember, it is not a lie if you believe it!

   Ladies: Can we have more head and less headaches please!!

   You young and ignorant boys can keep your virgins; give me hot old women in high heels with a$$es that forgot to get old.

   cut through an adult gift store parking lot to avoid a traffic light, my neighbor only saw me pulling out with my mother. :/

   Feeling stressed about something? Ask yourself, “Will this really matter after I've had a few drinks?”

   thinking about getting lip plates installed like african tribes, it would save alot of trips in a buffet...load it up, tilt head back..start again

   I'm so hungry I could eat something healthy.

   The most useless advice in the world: "CHILL OUT"

   Milk that says ‘98% fat free' should just come out and say, ‘Water with 2% milk'

   Sad news - I helped organise my boss's funeral this week, but apparently he has to be 'dead' before it can go ahead.

   People who constantly think their spouse is always cheating on them..Should just stay single and miserable forever.