Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   my father called me an asswipe, I said the wipe didnt fall far from the ass

   just watched Whitney Houston's funeral on DVR... is it just me, or did her performance seem a bit stiff?

   rearranging my bird's perches jus to watch him fall..

   if we spelled things by sounding them out like we should...i wood werk in the sitty

   In need of a b-pong partner... If you're not super cute, then you better be the nuts at pong.

   you will never convince me a dude with 2 hoop earrings doesnt look gayeeee

   old age homes are gonna be filled with saggy tramp stamps at diaper changin time....mmm sexxxy

   What's black, 'will always love you,' and has white on the nose? ... a Border Collie.

   decaffienated redbull, theyre calling it sitting bull

   hate when people say "i can't complain"..really? because all you do is complain

   cereal is dead to me now....what happened to choosing the best toy

   can't remember the last time I saw a commercial that didn't have to do with auto insurance, cars, beer, or b-o-n-e-r meds...

   imagine the nurses surprise changin a old lady diaper an her tat says 'juicy'

   does anyone really think stretching your earholes is sexy? whats next? lip plates?

   i was gonna give you a raise, but you clicked your tongue ring against your teeth one too many times...we get it, your tongue is pierced, stop playing with it..we're not having sex, so I dont care

   midgets are the T-Rex's of our species..

   "my, aren't you looking floppy today" is not an effective greeting, unless you want them to wonder why they look floppy for days to come

   exterminaters are just serial killers with no balls

   i like my own posts for psychological manipulation of you, also cuz I do like them

   The best thing about a german shepherd is after he kills someone, he dismembers and...buries them. all by himself..no muss no fuss. good boy