Kisstopher707 Funny Status Messages

   Love is...never having to say “wrong hole”

   Every time I try dating I get a new sister.

   ME: *putting two and two together* yep. it’s definitely four

   I’m just here for the unsolicited parenting and relationship advice.

   -inventing vodka- who’s thirsty for yeast infected potato juice?

   The only person I wanna chat with is my dog.

   My Dominatrix is so cruel and kinky, she makes me drink orange juice right after I brush my teeth.

   Just finished writing a book for new parents called “You Just Made a Big Mistake.”

   I liked Meatloaf before he got all soft on us and changed his name to Adele.

   If a man puts a vibrator to his ear he’ll hear how he’s not good in bed.

   For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar

   I sleep with a gun under my bed, in case someone breaks in and decides to throw clay pigeons into the air.

   You look like the kind of person who replies to a meme with a meme

   If you try to show me your family vacation photos I swear I'm going to report you to HR.

   I need Google street view in real-time for better stalking...Sorry I mean bird watching.

   Even looking at LinkedIn's logo can result in an unsolicited email.

   When one door opens, just hope that it’s the fridge and someone is about to bring you a beer.

   I hate it when I come across a couple urging in public but I missed the start and now don't know whose side I'm on.

   I should probably return these videos to Blockbuster.

   I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.