JOser Funny Status Messages

   I just watch a naked Chinese man run into a wall at full speed with a hard on. He broke his nose.

   Dinner is no fun anymore since I stopped pretending I'm on TV when I'm cooking.

   Blind people must get stuck in bad relationships because they can't see other people.

   I fight evil wherever it may be....except in dark scary places.

   The car stopped with a jerk. Then the jerk got out.

   My Girlfriend says I have a way with words..the WRONG way.

   Doctors write the prescriptions illegibly so you can't see that it says: "This one had insurance. Don't kill him."

   I'd rather be late in this world than early in the next.

   Speak when you're angry and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret.

   Well aren't you a waste of two billion years of evolution.

   Suicide is away of telling God, You can't fire me I quit !!!!!

   surviving this massive amount of "family time" by pretending they are mental patients and I'm their case manager.

   often thought that what doesn't kill us makes us drink stronger liquor.

   I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.

   I wish more people would put their highways up for adoption. So many people want one and are unable to have their own.

   Some people have food in their teeth because no one likes them enough to mention it. This serves as an early warning system for @ssholes.

   Looked over and saw a giant frickin' spider crawling on my shoulder, so if anyone needs me I'll be over here NEVER SLEEPING EVER AGAIN EVER.

   Why are they called "Starving Artists" instead of "Untalented Hippies"?

   Probably the most awkward thing for Chinese parents is not explaining where babies come from, but rather, where they go.

   Let this be known as my Living Will. I do not wish to be cremated. If the Zombie Apocalypse happens I would like to be a part of it.