Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How can the world end in 2012, if I have a can of corn that expires in 2013?

   People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing all the time.

   Ladies that don't know what to get your man for valentines day, I have your answer...Forget the cutesy stuff!!! Get alcohol, feed him Red Meat and have sex with him wearing red and pink. Trust me I'm a guy...

   Before I eat chips, I have to look in the bag for a perfect one

   Some people just need to change their status updates to, “Needs attention.”

   A relationship without trust is like having a phone with no service. And what do you do with a phone with no service? You play damn games.

   Valentines Day is almost here! I still can't find my handcuffs and whip!!

   Last night my neighbors kept me up with the headboard banging. I finally yelled "The guy last night made her scream louder" That shut em up 

   Dear pretty girls in my classes, You have significantly improved my attendance. Keep doing what you do. Much love, The brunette guy you keep catching staring at you.

   Just heard a weird noise from the other room, but refuse to call out “Is anyone there?” I've seen the movies...those people always die!

   A little bit of me dies every time I see one of you post a quote that you obviously don't actually live by.

   I'm going to spend this Valentine's Day with the one I love......I just hope she's working her corner.

   A candlelight dinner with long stemmed roses sounds like a deadly combination for my inflatable valentine.

   Happy Pagan inspired holiday taken over by American capitalist, commercialized and marketed to make billions on flowers, candy, chocolate, jewelry, dinners, hotel rooms and other gifts.

   I've Realized Something Today.. No Matter How Hard You Try To Plan Your Life.. Life Has A Plan For You All On Its Own..

   Love pshhhh I rather fall in chocolate

   "BLARGH...mmm, this looks good. nom nom nom...BLARGHH...hey, where'd this come from? yum!...BLARGHHH..." - my dog, throwing up

   It breaks my heart to break your heart but at the end of the day, mine is more important to me.

   Being rude to your waiter is the equivalent of saying, "Would you please spit in my food or perhaps do something worse?"

   If I were a pharmaceutical company, I'd name my next drug "Magnifizac".