Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   OBAMA State Of the Union Address tonight!!! It is going to literally knock your Taxes off!!

   If I were a cop......Just as I get ready to taze someone I would say..............pikaaaaaaaaaa.........................CCCCHHHHHH UUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

   i hate that little line of dirt that I can never get into the dust pan...

   About to drink thermometer juice

   For me? Golf is a lot like women..... if she isn't holding my wood, she better be holding an iron.

   When your ex says "You'll never find anyone like me" reply with "That's the point"

   You know if you add the word t!tty to the end of some of your sentences... It just seem to flow right in.

   Haven't heard Obama say one thing about getting rid of Jersey Shore..

   My ex is spreading false rumors about me being schizophrenic. Well, four can play at that game!

   Breakfast and double expresso shot in the AM = $9 Monster Energy Drink and Lunch = $16.50 ....taking a nap at 4pm and waking up at 945pm. PRICELESS.

   Haven't heard Obama say one thing about getting rid of Nickelback yet!!!!

   To beer or not to beer? thats the question but what is the answer?

   HA! heard on the radio today talking about names of movies that sound like you're taking a crap......crouching tiger,hidden dragon.....any which way you can.....just to name a few of the many...

   I want all my Facebook friends to comment on this status, sharing how you met me. But, I want you to LIE. That's right, just make it up. After you commentf, copy and paste to your wall so I can do the same. I bet HALF won't read the instructions right.

   Sometimes I hate change. facebook changing,gmail changing,underwear changing.....why must these things have to change?

   when on a cooking show I think it would be funny if after the food is cooked and they take a bite, somebody spits it out and yells, "that is disgusting!"

   I do push ups with my eyebrows, don't be hatin!!

   You ever wanted to yell at people on facebook for saying and posting stupid things? I kind of do. I need a vacation from my vacation...HAH!

   Today is the national change your profile picture to a picture of you picking your nose. all the cool kids are doing it. Leave your nosepicking picture up til the super bowl. copy and paste this to your profile after you change your pic!

   I love when people hurt your feelings on purpose.. Then yell j/k as they walk away...