Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I have an inferiority complex,,,,,, but it isn't a very good one.

   My short-term memory is my ONLY problem..... Well, that, and my short-term memory

   Please do me a solid and don't throw your cigarette butts in the urinal. It makes them soggy and extremely hard to light. -- The Janitor

   There are now online dating sites for seniors... I bet that "forgot password?" button is gonna get used a lot.

   New machine at the gym,,, Brilliant!! but I couldn't take any more after 30 mins,,,,,, It did everything: Kit-Kats, M&M's, Snickers, chips......

   Bees.. Bees.. the musical fruit, the more you eat,,,,, the more you get stung in your mouth and throat by bees

   I made some urgent upgrades to your computer. Did you know it had NO maple syrup in it before? Guess how much maple syrup it has now?... LOTS.

   My favorite kinds of lists,,,,, # 1: short lists

   How are we supposed to cure cancer when we can't even find a cure for country music.

   Just think,,, 20 years ago my television set weighed 350lbs.. And my wife weighed 105lbs ...

   Oh-NO !! There's BLOOD in the toilet,,,,,,, I can't remember, is it “Red stool at night,, colon's delight. Red stool at morning,, bowels take warning.” Or the other way around???

   The Ten Commandments would be way more awesome if they just changed the first one to "Yahweh or the Highway."

   Tip: If your parents are always criticizing you,,, ask them if the problem is bad genes or bad parenting.

   Listen, I'm sorry... That reaction was WAY over the line.... I actually have no problem with the horse you rode in on....

   If I could have dinner with anyone, dead or alive, I would choose alive,,, because eating with dead people is just creepy.

   I'm going to start doing things WITH further ado......... Take that, ado haters.

   Ummm,,,,, Sorry about "car chases",,,,,,, ALL you European outdoor fruit markets,, And cart-vendors

   Well,,, I'm off to leave single shoes on the side of the highway for my annual summer road trip.. Yeah, that's me,,,,, I've been doing that.

   My boss writes ' for weiner touching' in the memo line on ALL my pay checks.... And YES,,, the bank tellers look at each other then smile at me

   Drank two pitchers of mojitos and didn't post a photo of it... Yes,,, it IS actually possible do that.