Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That time after the break up when your driving and the only radio stations you are left with are talk radio and mexican polka.

   Why are the first tissues the hardest to get out of the box? I just need one, not ten...

   that moment of joy after feeling you've created the greatest status... then a half hour passes and your contemplating suicide since you have not a single like

   I just cooked vegetables on my Foreman Grill....is that even legal....I feel dirty..

   I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, Shark, Help!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him

   My vegetarian friend could not understand why I brought a bottle of ketchup on our hiking trip. “In case we get lost.” He's slow. Tasty slow.

   "You look happy. Let me see what I can do about that" - Life

   that annoying feeling that results from when I comment on someones status/pic and they dont respond but when the next person does..they write a novel response and yet still ignoring my comment and I'm stuck in between

   “Can I use your phone to call my mom?” “Yeah, just hit redial…

   I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge ... when I'm high.

   Do you look at a Doritos chip closely at how much flavor is on it right before you eat it? The more flavor, the better.

   Coming soon this decade, GREAT DEPRESSION 2. Starring the U.S. Citizens. Produced by NWO. Directed by "The Ones Who Run This Country". This event is rated EF for Everybody's F*cked.

   Google the terms SOPA an Chris Dodd and you will discover the true source of SOPA and a far over-reaching government..

   A man who saved a 10 year old girl from being abducted claims to be an illegal immigrant. Great, now they're stealing Batman's job too.

   Do I hate people that ask questions and answer them themselves? Yes, yes I do!!

   I'm giving you all the MTQ $ex Guarantee. I guarantee you all will have $ex tonight. It's just that it may not be with another person.

   Well, this morning has started out like a galloping golden retriever on a freshly waxed hardwood floor.

   Late fees make no sense. Charge me more money for not having enough money to pay you in the first place. Same with overdraft fees. I'm $2.00 short in my account (which means there is no money in there)......so take out $35.00 more.

   The best part about living by myself is not having to explain a lot of things......a LOT of things.

   "My alarm clock probably thinks I have anger-management issues."