Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sh!t happens. Just flush the toilet and move on...!

   My girlfriend told me that she has bronchitis. I wish I had a dinosaur.

   I will no longer respect Marine Biologists, if they don't name the new shark species, "Gary Busey"

   On average I spend $75 a year to watch bananas turn brown.

   Dear Internet Users, Someday, you're going to regret not reading me... Sincerely, Terms & Conditions.

   Auto correct can go straight to He'll.

   Even with all your flaws the right person is still going to think that the sun shines out of your ass.

   Whenever I get angry, I calm myself down by repeating these 5 words over and over again, “Bartender, Give Me A Double”

   Has anyone told you how fuckalicious you look today?

   karma (noun) –when you use all the toilet paper without replacing it and you're the next person to use the restroom.

   Go french kiss a power outlet.

   thought about being a gynecologist...i hear there's plenty of openings

   Our new dog is going to be the *best* watchdog if a vacuum cleaner ever breaks into the house.

   If you even suspect someone has been stung by a jellyfish -don't ask- just pee on them. You might save a life.

   "What did he say?" "Who is she?" "What just happened?" (Repeat 30 times and you just watched a movie with my mom)

   I like how woman pretend they don't know they have a huge camel toe. You know you want us to stare at it.

   This Friday the 13th instead of Jason popping out of nowhere to kill us, Jennifer Hudson will sing about how much weight shes lost until we commit suicide.

   1st grader: I need something to drink. College graduate: I N33|) 50m37h1nG t0 dr1nKz

   Okay Jennifer Hudson we are happy for you that you lost all that extra weight, now can you drop this wanna-be-model business and go back into the studio and make us some music?

   1-2 Freddy's coming for you... opps wrong movie! Happy Friday the 13th filled with horny teenagers and not machete wielding maniacs!!! ;)