Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I Just unlocked the 'Five Naps in One Day Achievement' in the game that is my life.

   Hey,,,I say stuff, you should say stuff with me,, and then we'll have fun... M-kay?

   So,,, The dog won our farting contest... I'm going to bed to think about what I could've done differently.

   Hey,,, guy that puts the stickers on tomatoes,,,,,, NOBODY likes you.

   I can thwart just about ANY knock knock joke by answering, "Just a minute!",,,,, or " Come in,, it's open! "

   Two Facebook addicts walk into a bar. One turns to the other and says.................NOTHING,, cause he's just staring down at his phone

   I use a remote control for my car stereo because,,,,, Well,, You know,,,,, Who would EVER want to lean forward a little bit?...

   I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

   You know what's really great about being a narcissist? Me.

   I thought we were gonna buy Mexico, Then fix it up & flip it... What ever happened with that?

   I think EVERY elevator should have it's "2" button replaced with,, "Congratulations, You lazy fat-ass."

   A baby frog just purposely threw himself in front of my lawn mower..... I guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.

   When I bite into a York peppermint patty,, I get the sensation,,,,,, That I should have bought a Reese's peanut butter cup...

   "I know,, Let's tape a spider to a lobster and scare the crap out of everyone." -- God, when He made scorpions

   FYI : The "Supreme Court" is just the "regular court",, served with sour cream and tomatoes

   When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage lightbulbs

   Being a parent in the South is so easy... You just have to shout "Simmer Down" every few days.

   Thanks for calling the revolutionary tipline. Your call is important to us. Press: 1 if by land, 2 if by sea, 3 to hear these options in Spanish

   The Andy Griffith funeral? Who knows.. he could be cremated...or.. they Mayberry him

   List of things I've accomplished today:,,,,, #1 Make accomplishment list..............................................................