Kisstopher707 Funny Status Messages

   My safe word is "Will you marry me?"

   Whenever I see someone walking around with a selfie stick, I always wonder what happened for them to just give up on life like that.

   Nothing screams I need to get laid like screaming I need to get laid!

   It's so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man's name. No I don't want to hold Grant but can he look over my investment portfolio for me

   I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex. Now it's Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.

   I only brush the teeth that people can see...which is none, because smiling is a sign of weakness.

   Just ate a salad when I could've eaten a cheeseburger. Where's my reward? I should get an award, right? Maybe a cheeseburger.

   Money aside, what do you wish you had more of?All the money that you've pushed to the side

   I just threw a piece of food on the floor of my cubicle. Totally forgot my dog doesn't work here.

   Watching an Olympian biting his gold medal he just won while I bite the wine cork I just pulled out with my teeth.

   Threatening Americans by saying there'll be "a taco truck on every corner" is like threatening The Kardashians' with more magazine covers.

   Hell nah I’m not clicking on page two of any article online. It’s online. Your stupid story should fit one webpage however long it is.

   showering together is cute until you realise women are trying to be 3rd degree burn patients and you’re just trying to get clean.

   At this rate, it's starting to seem like Americans will be voting on which candidate to keep out of jail in November.

   What I envy in women is their ability to argue without any valid points whatsoever and still claim victory.

   Yes I'm a people person. Or as the authorities like to call me, human trafficker.

   When I suggest we eat pizza and someone says something stupid like "No, I had pizza yesterday," I just nod like I understand, but inside my head I have murdered the person a thousand times.

   Sometimes you run into people who just make your day more bearable. Those people are called bartenders.

   Give people who call with a private number a dose of their own medicine by knocking on their doors while wearing a mask.

   Your Facebook posts are like your children. Some go on to become successful and others make you look stupid.