KIsstopher Funny Status Messages

   If you're going to have a posse, make sure they're clean shaven. Nobody likes a hairy posse.

   She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.

   Love is.......having sex with someone when you're sober.

   The only part I believed in the movie Titanic was when she wouldn't move her fat ass over and let Jack on the raft with her.

   A doctor's 5 minutes is longer than a woman's 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she'll back in be 5 minutes…you're screwed.

   My poker face is when I'm standing in the express lane with 16 items.

   A bee just flew into my car so I had to abandon it on the highway and now I'm walking home.

   Body builders have a weird way of thanking someone for buying them a birthday gift. I gave this guy a bra & now I'm at the emergency room.

   My dog likes to stand and stare at the front door for no reason because he knows the idea of unexpected visitors freaks me out.

   My girlfriend doesn't have any superpowers, per se, but she is pretty good at making me forget my name using only her tongue.

   I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.

   One man's potato is another man's vodka.

   Facebook is where I choose my victims, twitter is where I meet my accomplices.

   If chickens knew how tasteless they are without herbs and spices, they'd kill themselves.

   Leave the thing you're supposed to do today for tomorrow cause maybe you'll die and then you won't have to do that thing.

   Karma is like 69: You get, what you give.

   Every day is a struggle to come to terms with the fact that they chose Tobey Maguire to play Spiderman.

   Do I hate people who ask and answer their own stupid questions? Absolutely

   If you play your cards right, she'll want you to poker.

   You can be an educated, intelligent, productive person and still smoke and enjoy pot.