JOser Funny Status Messages

   The FOLD cycle on the clothes dryer isn't working.

   When I was a kid games taught us a valuable lesson. Like "slapping a hippo on the @ss will make him eat". That's important sh*t!

   If people who shop at Walmart, "Save Money. Live Better." Exactly how bad were these people living BEFORE Walmart?

   Waldo's bangin' Carmen Sandiego right now. Somehow, despite all the odds, they found each other.

   My life is proof that you can party as a profession.

   A recent survey showed 65% of Americans can't name a single Supreme Court justice and that's sad because HELLO Judge Judy.

   In Amsterdam, everyone rides a bicycle and no one cares how excited you are to buy marijuana.

   If I threw all my problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, I'd grab mines back...

   The 186th rule of Fight Club is there is no such thing as a male BFF...!

   I have a chip on my shoulder(Cool Ranch Dorito)

   I'm all out of tea and sympathy. How about some coffee and you f*cking deserved it?

   If the zombie apocalypse ever happens, I'm just going to surround my house with outward facing treadmills. I should be fine.

   A trip to Wal-Mart is all the proof I need that ugly isn't an effective means of birth control

   Monday has been calling me and just breathing heavily into the phone until I hang up...

   Biggest trade to date: Lakers to trade Jack Nicholson

   If the show is called America's Got Talent, how come Howie Mandel is hosting it?

   how many hijackings with nail clippers and shampoo have there been? None, that's how many!

   Sunburn is only a laughing matter when it happens to someone else.

   With all the technology available now, you'd think they'd have found a way to grow apples without those little stickers.

   When asked "What would you bring with you to a deserted island", how come no one ever replies, "A boat."?