KIsstopher Funny Status Messages

   You can make a lot of friends with a prescription pad.

   A friend got mugged coming out of K-Mart and is devastated. I feel the same way because I had no idea I knew people that shopped there.

   Ladies, how will we know you're going through a tough breakup if you're not clutching your coffee mug with both hands?

   A horse walks into a bar. A chicken crosses the road. A lot of animals do things. It is not our place to judge.

   Ladies; Don't be a woman with teenage problems!

   I need hospital etiquette advice here guys. How long should you wait after they pull the plug to ask if you can use the socket to charge your phone?

   I grew up in a loving home with supportive parents. It's been very creatively frustrating and limiting.

   I always put a little umbrella in my drink so it doesn't dilute in the shower.

   They say a still tounge makes a wise head. I say an active tongue gives good head.

   Men and women need a box of tissues for very different reasons.

   If you don't want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?

   I'm fairly patient. I can wait 5 seconds for you to respond to my text.

   Mind of a Human: "we need to save the Polar Bears" Mind of a Polar Bear: "I can't wait to eat another Human. Those things are damn tasty"

   I just want a girl who'll sin with me all week long and then sit next to me at bible study on Sunday.

   I walk around with a toothpick in my mouth so crimininals know not to mess with me.

   I just want a woman who can lick the crumbs from the bottom of a Pringles tube.

   Please don't do your soul searching at the bar, some of us are trying to enjoy our whisky here.

   I caught two teens smoking pot behind my office. Ten minutes later, my boss caught two teens and myself smoking pot behind my office.

   I did not lie. I was strategically misinforming you.

   LADIES: So you are ordering the most expensive thing on the menu? You know that comes with d ick right?