KIsstopher Funny Status Messages

   I can't even pronounce my safe word.

   We scream at each other, we don't have sex and I'm always in trouble for the crap I didn't do. This isn't a friendship. .This is a marriage!

   I alway realise that they're crazy way too late in the game.

   I have a bad case of the mondays only it's everyday and it's called existence.

   Vodka...deleting memories since...uhh...

   Nobody teaches volcanoes to erupt, tsunamis to rise, hurricanes to sway around, no one is taught how to choose a wife, natural disasters just happen!!!!!!

   The liquor store is a great place to meet new friends.

   A British accent can make a conversation about Justin Bieber sound like they just fixed the economy.

   Tim Burton and Johnny Depp should probably start seeing other people.

   that show "Intervention" should just be called "Haters"

   MASTURBATION: because when no one else is doing you, sometimes you have to take matters into your own hands!

   Getting older means telling the grocery store checker the full story behind every item you buy.

   Coffee is not my cup of tea.

   Carpe Scrotum (grab life by the balls)

   Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.

   Oh, let's play that love game where you ignore me constantly and it kills me inside, then I start ignoring you too and it gets your attention!

   ”How about it mate?” Australian women can be so romantic.

   The only way that I would ever be able to wake up on time in the morning is if I had a butler who set my comforter on fire every morning.

   Ran into a PETA nut while walking my dogs. He said my dogs were my slaves. Wonder if he noticed I'm the one carrying their poop in a bag?

   I put the you in murder!