JOser Funny Status Messages

   Do you ever laugh so hard you accidentally work your abs?

   Just once I'd like to go into a bar bathroom and under the "For a good time call-" written under it: B- ..4 out of 5 stars, would call again

   Be sure to take the time to honor a soldier today by punching a politician in the face.

   I get speechless whenever I see a heavy woman in spandex, usually because my tongue gets tied trying to say "Flubber hugging lady leggings".

   There's someone outside wearing nothing but cowboy boots, a candy necklace and a tiara. Damn. What am I suppose to wear now?

   I was going to go to the gym and run 7 miles this morning to continue trying to look good but then I remembered I own Photoshop.

   We need a set time limit for when people can say "long story short," because it usually comes WAY too late.

   Every time I pour water on myself when attempting to use a water bottle I get sad because even hamsters have mastered this.

   People always demand to know who farted as if they'll decide how disgusted to be based on who's responsible.

   Called my 40 year old cousin in Louisiana and told her she'd better hurry up and get married. There won't be as many fish in the sea now.

   I truly wonder how much better life would be if people were required to fill out a CAPTCHA before breeding.

   I am not a control freak. I prefer the term "predictability enthusiast".

   The truth shall set ye free. But lying shall get ye a bunch of free sh*t.

   I'd like to kick Murphy's @ss for making any laws.

   When you were a kid, your biggest decision was "Duck Hunt or Mario Bros."

   Only spell it "errbody" if literally each person in the club is gettin tipsy.

   The fine print on Krazy Glue reads, "The only two things this product will successfully attach are your fingers and this tube."

   Match.com says it's responsible for more dates leading to marriages that any other online site. And yet, it has no warning label.

   I can never remember whether or not I'm supposed to mess with Texas.

   If age is just a number, can I get mine unlisted?