Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I prefer to believe that Eleanor Rigby was really quite popular,, and that her funeral just happened to coincide with the "American Idol" finale.

   The first rule of Thesaurus Club is,, You don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.

   Ahhhh,,, At last, my wife has found something her butt does not look big in............... Walmart

   Try saying "good luck" without sounding sarcastic..... Good luck.

   I hate it when I forget I'm watching a show on DVR and I accidentally watch all the commercials.

   Forget flying cars... I want Futurama's complex system of air tubes that take us everywhere....Weeeee !

   My most recent workout,, was trying to find that "starting edge" of the toilet paper roll.

   Boycott IHOP!,,,, And only buy domestic.

   Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, aliens not so close, ghosts close, snakes far away, skeletons close, Spiders far away,,, And everything else just in a big pile

   I could really use one of those Chris Farley,, 'down by the river',, speeches right about now...

   I wonder how many times Paula Deen's 1st husband plotted to kill her in her sleep, only to be foiled by his own laughter at her sleep farts.

   WAIT.... So the suicide hotline is only for prevention?,, and not for nominating people to kill themselves?.. Well this sucks,,, I filled out a list and everything.

   I'm convinced that anyone driving the speed limit or slower is either 80+yrs. Or has drugs in their car...

   It's weird how all the floor around my father is made of eggshells.

   The road to Hell is paved with everything that feels like Heaven.

   Why do people live in regular houses,, when there are steakhouses?

   I think I'm just too intelligent for sanity

   Ummm uh-oh,,,, My car's GPS asked me,,, "Who's Siri?"

   I thinkin,,, People in rubber houses shouldn't throw stones either

   My grandson just told me that walking to school uphill both ways when I was a kid sounds odd, & I should have found an alternative route on my GPS..