Kisstopher707 Funny Status Messages

   It's actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most.

   Someone called me lazy today I almost objected.

   One day girl, all those flashing lights and sirens will be for us.

   Horoscope: Yes she got all your texts.

   I just sneezed alcohol onto a candle and started a fire.

   I didn't have any girl to spoil for Christmas this year so my bank balance is looking healthy.

   [wife yelling at me as I wash dishes] "keith I'm fkn sick of you pretending to be a doctor" [turns tap off using my elbow] what do you mean?

   Dear New Year New Me People; You don't have to wait for the New Year to get your sh*t together and become a better person.

   5 "Lets all put our phones down and talk with each other.." - Someone who has run out of phone battery.

   I don't post pics of my girl and me on social media for a good reason. What if someone calls her ugly and I have to dump her?

   Love is when two intelligent minds come together and become dumb.

   T rolls used to live under bridges, now they live in their mom's basement.

   Sure, I'll go to your open bar and watch you get married.

   Yes I will disappoint you, but I will disappoint you with style.

   Social Media: Because I like to socialize with cool people without having to speak, wear pants or get off the couch.

   You had me at "Hello"... But you lost me when you kept talking.

   The number of STDs she can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.

   Kristen Stewart is like if Internet Explorer was a person.

   Welcome to WebMD. Type quickly, you don't have long to live.

   What if NASCAR is really just rednecks saying "nice car"