KIsstopher Funny Status Messages

   If you thought the waitress gave you excellent service, is a 20% tip appropriate? How about a slap on the ass?

   I wonder if the female equivalent of the c0ckblock is the beaver dam.

   Remember, there can be only one interesting person per relationship.

   I am sure during sex, Kanye West and Kim Kardashian call out their own names.

   If you can't love the one you want, love someone who looks like them and just squint a lot.

   My girlfriend went home to visit her mother today. Or as I refer to it. Her "b!tch refresher course".

   You say, "I think we should see other people" like I haven't been doing so ever since we started dating.

   Studies show that your chances of getting murdered drop down significantly when you STFU and mind your own business.

   Remember; It's always better to ask for forgiveness than for permission except when it's about @nal.

   Preferred sexual position depends on your partner's breath; therefore, doggie remains the favorite for morning sex.

   A walk of shame is always sad. Don't make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.

   I wish STD's on all people who still say YOLO.

   I have absolutely no problem telling my boss to go screw himself when he isn't here.

   Why the hell has someone not invented a see-through toaster yet?

   Coffee is like an engine starter; you might be powerful, but even a jet engine needs a starter.

   Someone called me selfish and then paused as if they expected me to argue.

   Polygamy sounds great until you realize you have to keep all the wives happy.

   The only way I could get any lazier right now would be to die.

   I'm surprised more workplace violence isn't motivated by the vending machine's refusal to accept a dollar bill.

   Sometimes I wonder, "Why is that Frisbee getting bigger?" Then it hits me.