Kisstopher707 Funny Status Messages

   Doctor says I'm morbidly a beast. Thanks doc.

   Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have booze and snacks in your purse.

   A chatterbox is just a regular box that won't shut the fcuk up.

   I'm not a stalker, I'm just a self-appointed and unpaid private investigator.

   I'm pretty sure my guardian angel just sits there watching me suffer, while rolling her eyes and painting her nails.

   If I’m such a great guy who is all these nice things you say and a guy who any woman would want and lucky to have, why then are you friend-zoning me, Stacey?

   Excuse me Miss, but your new hairstyle is making everyone uncomfortable.

   people who have to say "i was being sarcastic" should stop trying to be something they are not good at.

   Don't, under any circumstance, believe I'll return your Tupperware.

   I'm the avocado of people. While you wait and wait for me to mature enough to be enjoyable, I sneakily transition into a disgusting mess.

   If you cry all the time, you will save money on a tear drop tattoo.

   A woman will type "I'm fine" while she is crying.

   I am so thankful and grateful that out of all the planets in the universe, we live on one with pizza and vodka.

   Before you have any hope for the future of humanity, come and look at how this guy parked.

   whenever I hear that customer service calls are going to be recorded I do one of my raps because I’m done paying for studio time

   My 13yo just dumped his girlfriend and now he's attempting to get his hoodie back. He's in for one hell of a life lesson.

   Everyone thinks they're incapable of committing murder until they see uncleared time on the microwave.

   After enough vodka shots, a toddler bed is actually quite comfortable.

   I'd love to come to your holiday party and stare at my phone all night.

   There's still so much I have to unlearn.