KIsstopher Funny Status Messages

   When a woman says "I can't get laid" we all know she's just being damn picky.

   The loser contestants who come back to sing on finale shows suddenly look like escaped mental patients.

   That thing where hypnotists snap their fingers and people fall asleep? Do they make that for kids?

   The best way to tell if you just got your ass kicked and lost the fight? The cops run to him and the paramedics run to you.

   When I was a kid I thought room service was for rich people. Now I realize it's for lazy, hungover people who can't find their pants.

   Whenever I screw up at work I'm so glad I'm not a doctor.

   Why would you stay friends with your ex? When you get fired from a job, you don't stick around and watch other people do your job.

   A penny for your thoughts, Five bucks if they're naughty.

   I just need you here in bed with me so we can talk, and laugh, and cuddle, and sleep, and stuff…

   Chess says everything about men and women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.

   If you love something, let it go... down on you.

   Look, I only want what's best for me.

   Arguing with a woman is like bringing a knife to a gun fight, then repeatedly stabbing yourself with it.

   If coffee or booze can't fix it, then it's a serious problem.

   I'm not sure how many contact lenses I put in the same eye this morning, but I can see Saturn's rings from here.

   The silence between my status updates is the sound of my real life.

   My favorite button on Facebook is the one that says “not now.” The world needs more buttons like that.

   You can be the ripest, juiciest and sweetest strawberry in the field, and there's still going to be some fool who hates strawberries.

   Some folks will spend the weekend having fun and enjoying themselves. We call these people "Single".

   I love doggie style as much as the next guy, but sometimes she's just too pretty to do from behind.