JOser Funny Status Messages

   don't you just hate it when you think you've bought a mail order bride on a Chinese language website, then realize you've adopted a panda?

   I saw a sign that said "DRINK CANADA DRY" so I moved to Toronto.

   Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

   I thought about exercising all day long. I am so exhausted...

   My hamster died today. He fell asleep at the wheel...

   I was thinking of becoming a doctor. I have the handwriting for it...

   There are two kinds of secrets : one is not worth keeping and the other is too good to keep.

   You ever wonder why wearing no underwear is called "going commando"? It seems to me it wouldn't be useful in a combat situation.

   Well established facts can be disputed if you Google them hard enough.

   Canada still up there? Somebody really should check now and then.

   As a taxpayer, I demand police escorts for emergency situations... Such as trying to get Ice cream to work from Braum's before its melts...

   If TMZ doesn't follow me home from work today, I'm done wearing these ridiculous Lady Gaga costumes.

   If love is blind does that mean divorce is lasik surgery?

   Every time I burn dinner the fire alarm goes off and lets everyone in the neighborhood know. It's such an invasion of privacy.

   I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry sh*t makes me feel like a p*ssy.

   It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts...

   I'm petitioning Crayola to replace the "burnt orange" crayon with "burnt snooki"

   Stupid bloody garbage trucks waking me up at noon.

   Yes, I admit it. I want to see the Dalai Lama arm wrestle the Pope...

   I think my upstairs neighbors are shouting about who can stomp the loudest.