KIsstopher Funny Status Messages

   If you love someone, set them fee. If they don't come back, call them up later when you're drunk.

   The memories of all the naughty things I've done in my lifetime will always bring a smile to my face.

   Tiger Woods's win last weekend is a great reminder that sex addiction only affects your golf game for 923 days.

   The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.

   I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at a floor and think, 'I'd tap that.'

   All you need is love. But a little booze now and then doesn't hurt.

   A teacher asks Johnny to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. He says, "My sisters sweater has 9 buttons but her boobs are so big, so can only fasten eight!"

   The only thing worse than the “FRIEND ZONE” is the "SHE-THINKS-YOU-ARE GAY-ZONE".

   Hope for the best. Plan for the worst. Snack in between.

   My sexual preference is you… daily!

   Sleep is so cute when it tries to compete with Facebook.

   Never do anything you wouldn't want to explain to a paramedic.

   I opened up a can of coke and it said, "Sorry, you didn't win". I didn't even know I was playing, yet I was still disappointed.

   3-pack condoms are ideal for married couples: Birthday, Christmas, and Valentine's Day.

   I don't feel bad about online shopping at work. It's the only place where I can spend money WHILE I make it.

   When I die I want written on my tombstone "Finally Offline".

   Have you ever done it kitty style? It's like doggy style, but with purring, scratching and biting.

   You drink a lot. You use crude language. You have low morals. You're exactly what I'm looking for in a friend!

   Dear woman who likes to bring her friends along on our first date. You are simply giving me more options just in case I am not feeling you.

   "Bros before hoes" sounds like something a bro without a hoe would say.