Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Trying to learn Mandarin Chinese but the amount of money I'm spending on fortune cookies is getting ridiculous.

   Jack and Jill went up the hill, to fetch a pail of water. But with your help, we can put a well in their home village.... Hi,, I'm Sarah McLachlan

   Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because you could be eligible for compensation.... Please call Goldstein and Goldstein to see what your case may be worth.

   This is your captain speaking,,, Please fasten your seat belts,,, The Boeing 737 in the gate beside us looks like it wants to race.

   *calls up Domino's. . . WHY WOULD YOU CUT MY PIZZA SO UNEVENLY? . . YOU'RE TEARING MY FAMILY APART !

   ( last meal on death row ) "Parmigian cheese?" . . . *I nod. . . "Say when". . . * I wink at camera. . .

   Spider-Man : Can I be in the Avengers now? ... Captain America : Ummmm, sure... Spider-Man : What can I do?... Iron Man : You OK with Web-design?...

   8yo: Can we go to a haunted house this year?... Me: What's wrong with the one we live in?.. 8yo: WHAT !?!... Me: Goodnight, son.

   My 3 year old can speak 60 words a minute... With gusts up to 90

   Ummm,, Can we just admit we may have taken this anybody can grow up to be President thing a bit too far.

   Plot twist: you can't play the guitar on the MTV, gotta work for money and chicks aren't free.

   But how are you supposed to do the sheep inventory, and NOT fall asleep on the job??!!..... *I said to HR during my exit interview

   One thing I've learned about women is they prefer that I don't speak

   "I've looked everywhere" to men is really.. "I gazed around the floor then opened and shut 3 cabinets"

   I gained so much Winter weight, I had to go buy a pregnancy test just to be sure

   Pro tip: hold the scissors to the wifi cable to get your family to do what you want

   No GPS,,, I will not take the road less traveled. I live in Maine,, Have you seen Deliverance?

   I think Donald Trump is Sacha Baron Cohen's best character so far.

   If a Donkey and Zebra ever mate,,, they'd have to call the offspring a Zonkey because Susan is already taken.

   According to the Americans with Disabilities Act, Led Zeppelin has to build a ramp of a width of 36 inches next to their Stairway to Heaven