Snotty Funny Status Messages

   [buying treadmill]... Me: Can I try it out first?... Salesperson: Sure... Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it).. Hmmm, I like it.

   [At job interview] Interviewer: Do you have a police record?... Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette... *hires me instantly

   If a girl pulls out a knife on you during a fight, pull out some bread & mayo. Her woman instincts will kick in & she'll make you a sandwich

   If Nutella & marshmallow fluff made sweet sweet love & had a baby,,, I would eat that baby.. The End.

   Ummm,,, So when you see a gift horse... Where exactly should you be looking???

   Survival Tip: if your wife cooks up "a mess of bacon" and puts it in the fridge, she has a plan. Do not make yourself an epic sandwich.

   So far in this election cycle,,, If Aliens ARE watching us,, it's safe to say they think we are retarded.

   Meanwhile on Facebook someone has made a casserole....

   My new wife earned a thunderous round of applause at the reception when she described her wedding vows as "taking one for the team"

   "Because it would be hilarious,"... is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.

   "What kind of a sick freak would have a painting of a postman being sodomised by a donkey?"... "That's a Rorschach ink blot test.".... "Ummm, a what?"

   My voting ballot is just an adult coloring book.

   Get laser hair removal they said, the technician won't torch your grundle they said.

   that a bottle of Prozac in your pocket or are you just sad to see me?

   Protip: Never mess with a man who leaves foam in a urinal.

   The first rule of Low Self-Esteem Club is: I'm Running a test to see who really reads my wall... If you do , please leave one word response...

   Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line.... *as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.

   "Be careful when you follow the Masses. Sometimes the 'M' is silent."

   [At the Border] Officer: “You American?”... Me: “Deep”... *Officer squints*... Me: “Fried”... *squints harder*... Me: “Guns”... "Welcome back, Sir."

   I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.