Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Animal Kingdom Fact: Cheetos are fastest land munchie

   Reasons I check my voicemail... 1% to hear the message... 99% to get rid of that annoying icon.

   My performance with my wife last night was amazing. I lasted like 45 minutes!... Then I finally gave in and admitted she was right.

   My kid sent me a text asking to buy him some decaf, certified organic coffee... I wished him good luck in life.. I'll miss him.

   A good way to handle when your kid asks, "Mom, what happens to me after I die?".. is to pull out a trombone and play "waa waaaa" in his face.

   If I ever become senile,, I just want to be as oblivious as people who respond seriously to humorous rhetorical questions on FB.

   [pees all over your front porch]..... YOU'RE MY WIFE NOW.

   I have alot of good personality traits,,,,, I just don't happen to have them on me at the moment.

   In China it's considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.

   I don't need a thesaurus I know a lot of very very very good words

   (1st day in heaven)... Me: Whoa, is that Elvis?... Angel: No, it's an impersonator... Me: Wow, is that... Angel: Listen man, all we got is impersonators

   GERMAN. Scientist "I've created super broccoli to fight heart disease"... U.S. Scientist "I've created a way to stuff an oreo inside another oreo"

   My phone is on its 4th charge for the day. So don't talk to me about commitment.

   I have the paper towel usage of a much wealthier man.

   Apparently,,,, The first rule of Fight Club is to get caught looking at another woman.

   I just had a small salad with a side of carrots for lunch and now I know why women are so horrible to each other.

   Looks at growing laundry piles *Deep sigh... Kids , we're nudists now

   4: Mommy, where do babies come from?..... Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much...

   I typed hahahahahaha,,, and it got autocorrected to hahaha and I was like,, "yeah, you're probably right"

   I don't like who I am at buffets.