KISSTOPHER Funny Status Messages

   A snake bit me today and my neighbour's wife was kind enough to suck the venom out. Or at least that's what I told my wife when she walked in on us.

   Sad news - I helped organise my boss's funeral this week, but apparently he has to be 'dead' before it can go ahead.

   Parents: Where are you going at this time of the night all dressed up like a slut? Daughter: To the bathroom, I need a new Facebook picture.

   Everyone is perfectly normal until they stumble upon Facebook or Twitter.

   We have a robot that shoots lasers, they have a fruit. I think androids win.

   Nice guys don't finish last, they finish by themselves in front of the computer.

   We Found Love in a Swollen Face - Chris Brown ft. Rihanna

   I'm on a quest around the world to find Bigfoot. I'd originally set out to find cheap gas, but I decided to keep my goals realistic

   Getting in an argument with women is like being arrested because anything you say can and will be used against you.

   If video games make you violent, does monopoly make you a millionaire?

   Cashier: Sir, this is the 5th movie ticket you have bought tonight. Customer: Well yeah, the a$$hole at the entrance keeps ripping it.

   My dramatic exit was ruined when I forgot my phone.

   Maybe it's the beer talking but I really love beer.

   "It's not you, it's me." Man I hate sorting out photos with my twin brother.

   TWILIGHT: Taking the 'N' out of "Vampire Fangs", since 2007!

   News Reporter: "So what inspired you to work with Chris Brown?" Rihanna: "Beats me..."

   If the government is gonna focus on cloning, they need to be cloning 1970 gas prices. If the government is gonna focus on cloning, they need to be cloning 1970 gas prices

   If she gives you the "Side Hug", You're in the Friend Zone.

   Weird to think we're just sixteen years away from Snooki being a grandmother.

   Buy one beer for the price of two and receive a second beer ABSOLUTELY FREE!