JOser Funny Status Messages

   Why do people insist on speaking to me? It pretty much never goes well.

   Criticism is the best sign you're onto something.

   Dear gigantic flock of birds chirping loudly in the parking lot sh*ting all over my car, There's still more north left... Go annoy Canada...

   Playboy in 3-D! Take that, 18 billion hours of free, readily available Internet porn.

   Somebody slipped a hangover in my drink last night

   Anyone who wastes my time is a clocksucker...

   I am anxious about how much Xanax I'm taking.

   Do I even want to know how one would contract herpes of the eye?

   If it weren't for my feet I don't know how I'd ever shut the car door.

   It's a shame how so many of you have such nice, expensive, in many cases even brand new cars and yet the turn signals don't seem to work.

   I'm not high maintenance, but rather precious cargo with lavish instruction for upkeep.

   you know what works better than a rape whistle? a rape pistol.

   Can you imagine how painful walking would be if we all had foot balls?

   Cant believe why jews didn't come up with "my mind on my money and my money on my mind."

   Do they call him Prime Minister because you can't divide him up into multiple smaller ministers?

   Did I ever tell you about my roofer who came down with shingles?

   TIP: If you've forgotten your Bluetooth headset, wearing sunglasses indoors is an equally effective douchebag indicator.

   Every time I see you falling, I get down on my knees and pray, That somebody puts that sh*t on YouTube, So I can watch it every day.

   My coworkers are exceptionally dedicated. You should see how far they'll go to annoy me

   Dude you should've seen this bathroom stall, it was like I had to clean up Heroshima before I could drop my Nagasaki.