Snotty Funny Status Messages

   "PLAY FREE BIRD!" -Me, drunk, at the Symphony

   My engine brings all the mechanics to the yard,,, and I'm like, You better fix cars...

   SON: There's a monster under my bed... ME: That's monsters' name is Mark, he lives there now... SON: Wha????... ME: times are tough, we need the cash... MARK: I'm trying to sleep

   I think about that Harry Potter line "the wand chooses the wizard" every time I'm reading a McDonald's menu.

   Welcome to the first meeting of OCD Anonymous. We'll get started as soon as you STOP TURNING THE LIGHTS ON AND OFF, SUSAN!!

   I accidentally started this account when I was looking for a banana bread recipe and things have gone horribly wrong.

   I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.

   "My best years are still ahead of me," I say as I walk slowly up the stairs, knees crackling like a campfire.

   Do country music artists know about better music?

   Not to brag, but I pull the correct ceiling fan chain about 2% of the time.

   Treat others how you'd like to be treated.... That's right McDonalds, So give me more frigging sauce for my McNuggets

   I'd like to feel as happy as an adult,, as I felt as a kid when the teacher wheeled in the tv during class

   Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.

   The letter "S" in PMS stands for Satan... I'm pretty sure of this.

   My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.

   Well, I learned this week that ya don't buy your Parmesan at the Dollar Tree.

   Dear Girl Scouts, Your Mints did not make me Thin...... P.S.... Please send more.

   IF YOU'VE HAD CATS,,,,,,, THE SINGLES VIRUS MAY ALREADY BE INSIDE YOU.

   INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS: 1) Know when to hold em... 2) Know when to fold em... 3) Know when to walk away... 4) Know when to run.

   This stop sign has been red for half an hour.... I'm about to just go