Snotty Funny Status Messages

   My family could never afford that fancy Burts Bees cleansing comfort lotion, no sir,,, we made do with Herberts Hornets lacerating pain venom

   Most people my age are older than me.

   I walked a mile in my own shoes today..... Wouldn't recommend it..... Cuz I'm WAY out of shape

   "I'm so sorry"... "No, I'm really sorry"... "No, I'm even sorrier than you" ... "No, I'm the sorriest ever!"... *mutual hug* ......*Canadian rap battle

   I heard that Hillary Clinton saw her shadow this morning,,, so it looks like we're getting six more weeks of pantsuits.

   I know enough Spanish to make myself hungry

   Boss: Can you pass a urine test?... Me: Sure...distance or accuracy?

   *Leonardo Da Vinci shows the finished portrait to her.... Mona Lisa: Eww,, DELETE IT!

   Me: *Nibbles first on a breast,,,, Gently kisses a thigh.... KFC Manager: Sir, please stop narrating out loud. Thank you & enjoy your chicken.

   Good to see Brian Williams back on TV all these years after he pulled me from the rubble on 9/11.

   DETECTIVE: I've called you here because I suspect one of you... IS AN OWL !!! ME: Who?? *everyone stares at me, even Gary whose head just turned 270°

   ME: Hi Mom,,, Please come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring. MOM: Honey, for the last time, you're not at a sleepover... You're married.

   [restaurant] *chef slams block of cheese down on plate... Me: But… Chef: Look, This is the best cheese in the world. It doesn't get any grater

   YEAR IN REVIEW: January February March April May June July August September October November December...... *nice we did it, congrats folks

   Do people who have wind chimes know that not having wind chimes is also an option

   They say men think about sex every 7 seconds, so when I eat a hotdog I try to finish it in 6 seconds so it doesn’t get awkward.

   Relationship status: Looking for a good woman to stand up to my mom for me.

   Opening a yoga studio just for dogs called NamaSit&Stay.... *Self,,,,Prepare to be rich

   Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.

   My super power is making conversations awkward by constantly adjusting my nuts while you talk.