Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Ever danced so badly that the dog dry heaved?... * Asking for a friend.

   "I'll have the Anti-sleeping Prescription" ..."Sir, those are kids" ..."Gimme two"

   I Swear This Is The Last Time I Watch Groundhog Day

   I'll bet the same guy that named the fireplace named Newfoundland.

   My birthstone is just a frozen pizza.

   FYI,,, Bobcat is just short for Robertcat. ...*Science.

   Does Dunkin Donuts make a body spray?... *Asking for a friend..

   [dog on trial for murder]... Lawyer: Who's a good boy?... Dog: I am... Lawyer: Your honor, I rest my case....

   MARY: I'm worried Joe,, I found 4 bottles of wine in his room... JOSEPH: They were just water when he went in there, I'll have a talk with him.... *from upstairs* YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD

   [knights of the wobbly table].... "Can we get some more napkins over here?"

   I apologize a lot for someone who is always right.

   Most people don't think I'm as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

   finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.

   *horse walks into a bar... *horse walks into a bar... *horse walks into a bar... *horse walks into an optometrist...Horse: Will SOMEONE please help me?

   How about a horror movie where if you close your eyes for even a second,, your wife steals another one of your dresser drawers?

   Steps to survive on a dessert island... 1. check spelling... 2. if correct, enjoy

   WIFE: Are you even listening to me?... ME: Of course... WIFE: Oh yeah, what did I say?... ME: [smoke bomb]... WIFE: I can still see you... ME: [Another smoke bomb]

   [wakes up from a 20 year coma]. Sweet,,, X-Files still goin strong

   *At Olive Garden*... Waiter: Parmesan cheese, sir?.. Me: I'll tell you when to stop... Waiter:..... Me..... Waiter:..... Me:..... Waiter: Sir *crying* my arm... Me: I'll tell you when.

   If you are a famous musician and you are over 60,,, please be careful in 2016.