Snotty Funny Status Messages

   It's hard to believe in evolution, when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.

   Did you know xanax and chicken are both gluten free?..... *This diet really isn't that difficult.

   Okay atheists, if God doesn't exist, then explain women who like Star Wars

   My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don't tell me about your rough childhood.

   The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.

   ... and then the Devil said,,, "Shorten all the charging wires to no more than a 3 foot length."

   Life gave me onions........ P.S. Onionade sucks.

   "Use the forceps, Luke!" - Obi Gyn Kenobi

   *stands up in meeting... *wipes boss's chin... Sorry, you had some nonsense coming out of your mouth... *wipes hand on pants

   I actually never like to touch baby carrots,,, because I'm afraid the mother will reject them.

   The #Powerball is now at $1.4 BILLION.... That means you can finally stop putting off that billion dollar purchase you were thinking about.

   Corn is the ultimate in and out of body experience.

   Children are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective,,, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.

   Lawyer: In fact you did give her the pill?... Cosby: Sshoobities.... Lawyer: Come again ?....Cosby: floobity dooblities..... Lawyer:.... Cosby: Zip zop wop

   Sometimes I wish there was a rollover plan for naps I didn't take when I was a kid

   FYI: The average resident in Detroit has been murdered a minimum of 6 times

   Hi, my name's Ray. I'll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.... *misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag

   Under 'medical history', we were hoping for something more specific to you personally... You wrote "Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928".

   If you don't star the tweet you can't have any pudding... How can you have any pudding if you don't star the tweet!

   What's the age cutoff for bringing chicken nuggets to dinner because you don't like the food?