Snotty Funny Status Messages

   The IBS drug commercial that mentions "urgent diarrhea" implies there's also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I've never had?.... IDK

   65% of parenting is figuring out what the heck your kid is pointing at and then acknowledging it before he melts down.

   "How can I possibly be losing to this guy?"......... *every Republican presidential candidate not named Trump

   There's a million fish in the sea,,, but I haven't lowered my standards just yet to date fish.

   Cop: buzz driving IS drunk driving... Swarm of bees in driver seat: this is bullcrap.

   Squirrel 1: Got directions to across the road?.. Squirrel 2: go left, straight, left, right, right again,back, then just friggin run.... Squirrel 1: nice

   FYI: When you graduate from vegetarian to vegan you are legally required to put a racing stripe on your Prius

   Crap. Got another Canadian quarter in change. But I’m a clever one; now it’s the Salvation Army’s problem.

   Why is maple syrup so expensive?.. It grows on trees doesn't it?

   Just once, I want someone to look at me and say,, “That’s him, He’s the one”...And not follow it with, “Who ate cake out of the garbage”

   The most frustrating thing I've ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.

   Do the villains in Scooby-Doo know they have the right to remain silent?

   If old french fries were weapons,,, I would be able to kill anyone trying to carjack me

   * Throws dart... ME: Let's vacation wherever this dart lands... * Dart misses map and lands in kittylitter box... ME: OK,,, Mexico it is then

   Has anyone ever noticed that Caitlin Jenner has man hands?

   If you ask for plastic grocery bags in Whole Foods, they put one over your head & suffocate you with it.

   HI, MY NAME IS JOHN ITS BEEN OVER 3 MONTHS SINCE MY LAST LOWER CASE LETTER... I JUST WANT TO SAY THANKS, ITS A DAY TO DAY BATTLE, BUT I COULDNT DO IT WITHOUT YOU GUYS.

   So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off,, and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.

   In the future we will type with our toes to keep our hands free for punching robots.

   FYI: A group of meth labs is called a "Missouri."