Snotty Funny Status Messages

   PRO TIP: Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong into a harp.

   Remember kids -- it may be illegal to text and drive,,, but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.

   Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.

   And then the devil said, "Just tell her to calm down."

   (Around campfire with flashlight on face).... "Then they realized,, Adele was calling from inside the house!!"

   screwed up the settings on my 4D printer,, and now there's a scale model of the Death Star somewhere in 1674.

   Well,,,, Marvin Gaye's family is suing me for asking what's going on.

   Hmmm,,, Is there any way we can get Trump in a "Truman Show" thing where he thinks he won and is president,,, and we can watch what he does?

   Scientists have discovered a planet that has four sunsets a day. Imagine how frigging tedious Instagram is there.?

   One for the money... Two for the show... Three to get ready... Four to speak to a customer service representitive... Press * to hear these options again.

   Sorry can't... Watching "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" and taking copious notes.

   The sweariest animal in all the world, is the hippopottymouth. Closely followed by me after a visit from the code enforcement officer

   That's ok about the cancellation,, Cuz I went on a date with a dolphin today,, Yeah, we just clicked.

   Many moons ago,,, Apparently, We had more than one moon

   My greatest fear is that I'll have on dirty underwear & the emergency first responders will just leave me to die... * I blame my mom for this

   Different set of tracks. Same old train wreck.

   Hey, parents of an ONLY child considering having one more,, know that I just split an M&M in half........ An M&M...... in HALF

   Don't forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.

   I'm starting to doubt that all of the people in this singing group are called Carol.

   When I was a kid, We were so poor the floor wasn't even lava,,, it was just kinda warm