Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Wife: do you think I'm fat?”... Me: Moooooo.... * Hmmmm,,, My phones Autocorrect is trying to kill me.

   Sorry Can't....I'm Writing "Dora The" on every Ford Explorer in this mall parking lot.

   You sneeze, and a tiny book titled "A spiders guide to navigating the human brain" shoots out your nose....* You faintly hear a spider cussing.

   NYC Detective: One of you is an octopus,,,, who is it?... *Everyone points at me.... Including Susan, with all eight of her arms*

   I like big PUTTS & I can not lie,,, You other golfers can't deny,,, When a ball rolls in with a slow topspin & the caddy moves the pin, you get PAR

   "You promise you didn't get me bees again?"............ [me from a distance].... JUST OPEN IT

   *arrives at hospital carrying a tiny chair... " Ummmm, Yes,,,, Where would you like my stool sample?"

   I paid 4 the lady in front of me at Starbucks. She hugged me. Deciding when it's the right time 2 tell her I hit her car in the parking lot.

   "Is that your dog?".... "No, actually she's adopted... We were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves"

   "Mirror, mirror; on the floor.... Who's got the biggest hemorrhoids of them all?"

   Welcome to Disproportionate Body Parts Club.... If there's any suggestions, I'm all ears.

   welcome to HIdDen mEssages club. please help yourself To tHE snacks By the dOor and we’ll get starteD shortlY.

   *gets pulled over... COP: "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"... [I've swapped places with the dog]... ME: "Jake, answer the man"

   My daughter's school was closed for fog??... Hey,, Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & my principal would be like... "Ummm,, 2-hour delay"

   [At the zoo] Llama spits in my face,, I spit in llamas face,, Llama slaps me,, I grab llamas hair,, Scuffle ensues,, Llamas girlfriend shouts "leave it Gary!"

   Fact: an Owl's head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.

   Did you know,, the 'ueue' in 'queue' is silent?

   *Poops without drinking coffee first*.... it's a FESTIVUS miracle

   *looks at calendar*.. *looks at stomach*. *looks at calendar*.. Guess I'm telling people I'm pregnant again this Christmas.

   Unsubscribing to emails requires three or more clicks,, So I'm just going to keep deleting them for the rest of my life.