Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Never look directly at the people having a sizzling plate of fajitas delivered to their table... It’s what they want.

   Adele's new album should come with a coupon for Ben & Jerry's.

   So if tears are just weakness leaving your body, what's diarrhea?

   My shower breakdown: 60% getting the water temp right,, 39% coming up with awesome responses to fights with my wife,,, 1% showering

   My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.

   Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes.... There's Circular pizzas, square pizzas, thin/thick crust, stuffed crust, extra toppings...... All beautiful really

   It's kinda hard to believe in just 2 days,, I'll be stabbing housewives for a discounted Dyson vacuum.

   Apparently, the biatch at my wife's job was being such a biatch today because something, something,,,, we hate her.

   FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE !!!........... I yelled at my gynecologist

   *Airplane PA.... "Arrr, this be yer cap'n speaking"... *covers microphone... [muffled] "Dangit Roger,, you have it set on autopirate again"

   "Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me."...*shakes tambourine ... "Got any others?"... *shakes tambourine... "Hmmm,,, Sounds a lot like the last one"

   Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better... or worse?... How about now?,,, Better... or worse?

   *Turns on phone and responds to "Happy Thanksgiving" texts all day*... ~misses Thanksgiving dinner~

   I enjoy long romantic scrolls on my phone.

   Ummmm, yes,,, I need to return this Taylor Swift calendar.. After 4 dates, it fell apart and wrote a vicious song about me.

   One hell of a Tuba lesson today. I nailed it.... [Anne Franks last diary entry]

   "Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?"... Here's 10 reasons why I should get the job... "OK"... Number 7 will shock you..."You're hired"

   (1620).. We Indians will bury the hatchet and teach you to farm...*Pilgrims huddle* It's a ruse,, this soil looks awful for growing hatchets.

   Can't figure out if my Granddad is defusing a bomb or trying to answer his cell phone. It's tense!.. "The green one Gampy,, not the Red one!"

   All this time I thought Adele was singing about Aloe.