JOser Funny Status Messages

   I ate too much comfort food and now I'm a bean bag chair.

   I'm waiting for the day Ziploc quits the pretentiousness with the sandwiches and just starts putting weed right on the box.

   Just read an article about the stock market, and there were three things in it that I didn't quite understand: Every, single, word.

   I'll give you an exact definition of "in love". When her bra and underwear match.

   I'm no a lawyer, but I'm pretty sure "He started it," is a legit defense.

   Just once I'd like to attend a formal state function and hear the butler at the top of the stairs announce Lady and Sir Mixalot.

   I feel so bad for people who have $500,000,000. They can only call themselves millionaires, and yet they're still so far away from being billionaires.

   Every time I hear a strange noise at night, I mentally prepare to fight off an intruder. If it's a velociraptor, I'm also totally ready.

   So I'm giving up drinking..Hard liquor..On Wednesdays..In June..Next year..(Maybe..)

   I'm installing plywood doors in my house so I can karate chop them down like a badass when I enter each room.

   I tried to flash an oncoming driver to warn him of a cop but I think it was too dark for him to see my A**

   "Well done, son. I'm very appointed in you." "Appointed?" "Opposite of disappointed." "You mean proud?" "Let's not get carried away, kiddo."

   Target is nothing more than Walmart in a tuxedo t-shirt.

   Hearing your legs creaking as you get into the standing split pose in yoga class is a sure way of telling people that you havent been laid in a while

   ME: So you're a drug dealer, huh? HER: It's called a pharmacist. ME: Oh, I get it. It's like how you can't say "bong" in a head shop, right?

   I just saw a man disconnect his oxygen tank before he lit his cigarette. Safety first.

   Saw the mystery machine from Scooby Doo driving on the highway. Is this real life?

   The thing that makes learning how to use chopsticks so difficult is that the longer you don't know how, the soggier your cereal gets.

   This could be the best day ever... but it isn't. Again

   Does the Five Second Rule apply to beer?